Some words can dramatically increase our level of connection!
In today’s episode, Lindsay interviews Marcy Axelrod.
She is the best-selling author of “How We Choose to Show Up.”
Marcy challenges us to think beyond the mechanics of English.
She also shares the importance of understanding the impact and implications of our word choices.
Marcy Axelrod
Today’s guest is a best-selling and award-winning author, TV Contributor, two-time TEDx speaker and management consultant.
Her latest book, “How We Choose to Show Up”, is a #1 Amazon Bestseller, and was recently awarded the Hayakawa book prize.
Marcy has been interviewed in Forbes, Psychology Today, and The Marketing Journal, among other top media publications.
Word culture
Lindsay brings up that we are now more conscious of our word culture.
Marcy agrees with this.
She has researched how choosing the right words can change the connection with other people.
Lindsay asks Marcy to share two ways we can bring people closer together through our word choice.
Marcy points out that Lindsay used very interesting words to ask that question.
Lindsay used “can” instead of “do”.
She asked, “How can we bring people closer?”
Marcy continues to explain with an example.
Using “can” is saying how possible something is, rather than “do” which implies a more collaborative effort.
Using “can” talks about the ability to get something done.
If you use “do” you take the approach of saying it can be done, and it needs to be done together.
These slight changes make the sentence a much more inclusive flow.
Use the right words for stronger connection
There are many scenarios that require the right words to be able to create better connections in conversations.
Marcy shares that subtle word switches can be impactful when used at the appropriate conversation.
Here are some of the examples that share how different word usage improves the way you can connect in a conversation.
#1: “Can” versus “do”
The first example is the difference between “can” and “do”.
- “Can” asks how is it possible. How is it permissible or permitted?
- This puts us in permission space, as opposed to an action space. It cedes our agency and power as sovereign thinkers and speakers by making something possible, but not necessarily a reality.
Marcy shares that the word “do” is to perform the action, to achieve it, to complete it.
It is filled with empowerment.
With the word “do”, you are conveying that we are the designers of our experience together.
The question “How CAN we do this?” is about permission and possibilities, but not personal agency.
#2: “To” versus “with” or “for”
A second example of how specific word choice brings us closer is the choice of showing up “to” versus showing up “with” or “for” something or someone.
When you use the word “with”, it implies you’re a team and you are encouraging them to join.
The word “for” is more of showing an act of service.
You are working towards something together.
It has a feeling of care and intention.
As for the word “to”, this suggests you are separate from the rest.
It can also imply that you’re showing up to a thing or an object even if it’s a human being you’re referring to.
It doesn’t inherently have a sense of care, but it does mean that it is necessary for you to engage or take action on something.
Here is an example:
- Showing up to John’s event
- Showing up for John’s event
The first example doesn’t sound like you care, but more that you’re obligated to attend.
Instead of saying you’re doing things ‘to’ others, it’s better to say you’re doing things ‘for’ or ‘with’ others.
This language choice will build connection.
The human brain and relationships
When having conversations with the goal of connection, you have to choose the right words to make it more meaningful.
Marcy shares that we have two parts of our brains that can be connected to the two ways we choose to communicate.
Our right hemisphere’s care and connect system chooses to be “with and for.”
Our left hemisphere’s narrow focus, not connected system, chooses to show up “to” people and situations.
The left side is about efficiency and getting things done, regardless of its broader meaning.
It categorizes everything into broad groups, so people lose their individuality.
This makes people objects and makes our days dull and disengaged.
Our emotions then select words and phrases consistent with this.
When we’re just showing up, in get-it-done-mode, this is the system we’re using.
It’s largely devoid of meaning.
This is showing up “to”.
Add caring for connection
We must reset and tap into our caring, connected right hemisphere.
We will then experience an expanded perspective and new ideas.
We’ll feel a sense of one team, and choose ways of speaking, of standing, and even fixing our gaze into someone’s eyes.
This is the attention system of connectedness and it brings a lexicon with it.
We no longer show up “to”, but we now show up “with” and we show up “for.”
We listen more deeply, consider a broader set of perspectives, and interact as one team with others.
Our orientation becomes one of contributing.
We’re “in service of” something beyond our selves.
Takeaway
Language learning isn’t about perfect grammar or sounding like a textbook.
Instead, it’s about connection.
What we say matters, but how we choose our words matters even more.
Words like “do” instead of “can” and “for” instead of “to” shift a conversation from distant to deeply human.
Instead of chasing perfection, focus on presence.
Let your language reflect intention, care, and collaboration.
Speak not just to people, but with and for them.
That’s where real understanding begins.
You can check out Marcy’s book and more about showing up can be found at ChooseToShowUp.com.
Marcy’s bio
Marcy Axelrod is a bestselling and award-winning author, TV Contributor, 2X TEDx speaker and management consultant. Her latest book, How We Choose to Show Up, is a #1 Amazon Bestseller, and was recently awarded the Hayakawa book prize. Marcy has been interviewed in Forbes, Psychology Today, and The Marketing Journal, among other top media publications.
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