Do you have difficulty getting past small talk when meeting someone new?
Today’s guest, Maya Rossignac-Milon, provides tips from her research on moving past small talk.
You’ll learn how riffing is the key to building real connections in English.
Get past small talk
Maya co-authored an article for the New York Times called “You’re Probably Doing Small Talk Wrong.”
It shares strategies for improving small talk and the key to building lasting relationships.
She is an assistant professor in the Managing People and Organizations department at IESE Business School.
She was a postdoctoral researcher at Columbia Business School.
Her PhD is in Psychology from Columbia University.
Her research investigates the experience of shared reality in conversation and interpersonal relationships.
This is a topic that is often discussed on the All Ears English podcast.
How riffing builds life-long friendships
Maya shares details about the article she wrote.
She had her own experience that started her friendship with the co-author of the article.
They met at a conference and quickly moved past basic small talk.
They riffed about coffee versus tea drinkers and how this affects their pet preferences.
It was a magical moment where they started a fun conversation and flourished a friendship.
- Riffing: improvising and building off what someone is saying
This is similar to improvised Jazz music where the artists collaborate spontaneously and create something new together.
Improve your small talk
Maya shares three tips today for improving your small talk.
This can help you have better conversations that will lead to stronger friendships and connections.
#1: Create a shared reality
We often think of small talk as exchanging information about each other.
Sticking to this can often get in the way of building true connection.
- Asking about interests
- Talking about what you did on the weekend
- Sharing simple personal facts
Instead, the goal should be creating a shared reality.
Move from sharing basic information to discussing something unexpected.
Make a joke or ask about something interesting to make the interaction continue and flourish.
#2: Let your real self shine through
We’re often so nervous and focused on trying to make a good impression.
It’s easy to stick to general small talk topics.
You need to be yourself and be comfortable expressing yourself.
Open up to the person you’re talking to in order to make the conversation more genuine.
This gives you an opportunity to riff off what the other person is saying.
Maya suggests talking about a movie you last saw that made you cry or ask for a hot take about pop culture.
Being your authentic self will definitely help you make the conversation easier.
It will give you a chance to connect with people and find out what you have in common.
#3: Call back to what you riffed on
Once you’ve started riffing with someone, you can come back to it and talk about it again.
This is how inside jokes happen.
For example, you may have had a playful exchange about romcoms when you first met.
If that is the case, you can bring it up again in conversation.
You can bond over something you’ve connected with and reinforce the connection.
Takeaway
True connection emerges when small talk evolves into a shared reality.
It can be centered on humor, shared interests, or common experiences.
Try to use these tips during your next opportunity to meet new people.
Check out the New York Times article Maya Rossignac-Milon and her friend wrote.
You can also find more information about Maya on Linkedin, Twitter, and on her website: https://mayarossignac-milon.com/
